Two tears in a bucket...

...mother---- it! ~ Quote from the book 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil'

It's one of those quotes that you really don't fully understand its meaning but stays in the back of your head, quietly simmering & just waiting for the right opportunity to present itself and you go 'aha!'. I think it basically means life is too short to waste time crying over dumb shit (loose translation). Why the heckster does life have to be so damn complicated? I really think that the key to happiness is a simple, boring, predictable life. Although a complicated one is quite an interesting one -- I am so done with drama...so, so done. Finito.

You know my idea of the perfect, idyllic life? It's me & close family & friends living on a rural place with huge meadows, lots of rivers & lakes, woods, and with mountains in the distance The closest neighbours would be some distance away --- far enough away that there would be some semblance of privacy and freedom but close enough that I don't feel too alone.

I hate city life -- I hate all this in your face closeness. I hate living in houses touching sides with their neighbours. I hate the small, claustrophobic green-brown squares that pass as lawns. I hate the feeling of being alone and invisible surrounded by millions of people. What happened to knowing your neighbours? What happened to feeling connected with your neighbourhood? I've lived in my house for 11 years and I don't know the names of the people living next to me. We say the occasional meaningless 'hi, how's your day' when we cross paths but that's it. I find that shameful --- but I probably would continue on like this.

Man, talk about digression....this is what happens when you blog @ 7 in the morning instead of studying for an exam you know shit about. Random, unrelated crap just pour out.

Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own skin? I honestly feel like I should have been born as a different person --- in a different time with different family. I don't feel like myself. I always feel like I have to show a watered down version of me so that I'm accepted. Religion, culture & family have shaped who I am to an extent but sometimes it feels so suffocating. It's not like I want to do anything bad --- but just be myself --- my outside to reflect my inside. To stop worrying about what others think. To live my life as I see fit not as to please this person or that.

When I was younger and used to hear people advice others to 'be themselves'... I remember being so confused and thinking 'who the heck else can you be?'. It took me some time to figure out what it really meant -- it meant being your honest self. There is so many parts of us that we close off and show to different people --- our parents see us one way, friends another, relatives in some other way, teachers, co-workers, bosses. We're never the same to everyone --- there is always some part of our personality, our selves that we reserve for those we trust and think would not judge us.

Doesn't it sound retarded that at one point I want to live my honest self (Yikes, Oprah is now dominating my thoughts) but at the same time I recognize that it's not possible. We're all schizophrenic people, and we don't even know it.

Frick, I'm not making sense. I must be tea-drunk ( I really think you can get drunk on tea. Four cups of tea can have the same effects as being buzzed...lol).